What is a hobbit runner?

Updated: 9/18/2023
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13y ago

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A hobbit-like marathon runner that, despite the creature's robust dimensions, bow-legs, unusually large calves and its propensity to sweat profusely, can compete with the best of the gazelle runners.

Hobbit runners are frequently mistaken for out of shape blowhards but have somehow figured out how to defy the laws of physics with their running. They are not easily distinguished by appearance alone. Hobbit runners are commonly observed blowing snot on their shirts while running. Their respiratory pattern consists of heavy breathing interspersed with deep coughs and occasional cough attacks. They are most likely to be found in the post race food line, and under rare occasions, in the Emergency Room hemorrhaging from their a**. There is an unconfirmed report of a hobbit runner completing the NYC Marathon in 2:50:52, which is believed to be the standing US record for hobbit runners.

Caution to the individual who spots a hobbit runner. Do not stare or look directly in the eye. Hobbit runners have been known to hurl expletives without warning or cause. This is part of the "hobbitude," a once useful mating tactic that has fallen from grace in this modern era. If you should encounter an angry hobbit runner, slowly turn and walk away. If chased, sprint for 100 meters during which time The Hobbit runner will either pull a hamstring or collapse.

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Q: What is a hobbit runner?
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